In our clinical work, we attempt to promote empathy in parents and professionals alike by posing the following questions (Brooks and Goldstein 2001):

When we pose these questions, we remind adults that children with ASD typically have difficulty “reading” the verbal and nonverbal messages of others. Thus, if children misperceive what we are attempting to communicate, we must do our best not to become annoyed or to disagree angrily with their perceptions, but instead consider how we can assist them to become more accurate in terms of their perceptions.

Richard, a 9-year-old with ASD, exemplified the gains that can be achieved when parents focus on reinforcing empathy. Richard failed to understand the ways in which his behaviors impacted on others, including their becoming upset or frustrated with him. In an effort to help Richard, his parents began a “family empathy project.” They started with simple activities such as discussing the feelings of some of Richard’s favorite cartoon characters after joining him to watch those programs. Then, as Christmas approached, they “adopted” a family with limited resources. During the course of shopping for gifts, they spoke with Richard about how the children in that family would feel not receiving much for Christmas and how they would now feel receiving gifts because of his actions. Though Richard struggled with this concept, he slowly began to improve his ability to identify the thoughts and feelings of others and the ways in which his behaviors triggered different feelings and reactions in others.

Laurie, also a 9-year-old with ASD, was described by her mother as obsessed with movie stars. Her mother observed that while Laurie does not like to read, she constantly looks at movie magazines from cover to cover. Laurie’s parents used what they termed her “obsession” as a vehicle through which to help her develop empathy and improve her social skills. Since Laurie did not want to cut photos from the magazine, they made copies of the photos of the faces of different Hollywood stars and pasted them on index-sized cards. They designed a game that involved taking turns picking a card and then creating a brief story about what caused the stars to feel the way they looked in the photos.

Laurie’s parents noticed that occasionally Laurie’s story was discrepant from the photo (e.g., a star who was obviously angry was described by Laurie as happy). They used this discrepancy as an opportunity to teach Laurie about facial expressions and feelings. Laurie invited her two sisters to participate. Given Laurie’s continued interest in the game, her parents added another dimension suggesting that each player had to say not only what events led a star to feel a certain way, but also to describe a time the player felt the same way. Although Laurie’s answers could be repetitive (e.g., offering the same reason someone would feel happy), her parents varied their responses as a way of teaching Laurie about experiences that elicited different emotions.

There are assumptions that therapists can identify for parents and other adults to help them to be more empathic with children on the autism spectrum. Three of the assumptions that we highlight in our clinical work include:

Knowledge is power: This is an often-stated phrase and deservedly so. It is imperative that parents of children with ASD understand what this diagnosis entails in terms of all dimensions of their child’s development and functioning. It is equally important for parents to recognize a point we noted earlier, namely, children with ASD are not a homogeneous group and while the diagnosis can provide some common parameters, each child with ASD will differ. Such knowledge will provide parents with a more accurate portrait of their child, a portrait that will allow for more realistic, effective strategies. We advocate that parents as well as professionals keep as informed as possible with the burgeoning amount of information that is available about ASD. Of course, it is vital that parents become wise consumers of this information, separating spurious claims from scientifically based studies and interventions.

Your child has little control over thoughts or behaviors associated with ASD: Many parents of children with ASD, especially if their children are on the higher functioning side of the spectrum, may entertain the belief that their children could control their behavior if they “only wanted to do so.” Some parents have told us that while they know their child has been diagnosed with ASD, they still wonder if their child could change if he or she were more motivated to do so. They view their child as lacking in “will” rather than in “skill.” As Greene (1998, 2009) has emphasized in his work with challenging youngsters, such a view may contribute to adopting a more punitive approach that only serves to exacerbate the child’s problems and weaken the parent–child and/or teacher–child relationship.

When we ask parents and teachers to consider the ways in which their response to their child or student would change if they shifted their perspective from will to skill, we have been impressed with the lessening of anger and the increase in empathy that ensues. As one parent of a child with ASD said, “Why punish a child for lacking a skill? When children are not able to do something, it’s better to figure out how to teach them rather than how to punish them.”

Another parent wondered at a workshop, “But what if the child has the skill but just isn’t using it?” We replied, “If kids aren’t using skills they have, there are obviously obstacles in the way. The obstacles may vary. Some kids may believe they can’t do the task. Others may worry that they will fail and people will ridicule them. Regardless of the reasons for children backing away from a task, the best approach is to patiently teach these children the skills involved in the task. This will be more effective in addressing the obstacles than exhorting a child, ‘You could do it if you wanted to do it!’”

Strive to become “stress hardy” instead of stressed out: The more stress and frustration we experience as parents and caregivers, the less likely we are to adopt an empathic stance toward our children. It is for this reason that we have been devoting an increasing amount of time in our clinical practices and workshops to highlight the work of psychologist Suzanne Kobasa and her colleagues (Kobasa et al. 1982; Kobasa and Puccetti 1983). Kobasa has described a stress-hardy personality, or what we prefer to call a stress-hardy mindset.

Kobasa identified the characteristics or mindset of individuals who deal effectively with stress and pressure. The mindset comprises three interrelated components: commitment, challenge, and control. Commitment is defined as being involved with, rather than alienated from, many aspects of life. When commitment is present, we possess a sense of purpose that provides us with a reason for why we are doing and what we are doing. This meaning is not confined to a single area, but is manifested in our personal relationships, our work, our charitable activities, and the causes we adopt. It is little wonder that parents of children with ASD report a feeling of gratification when they are involved in helping others through support groups or autism-related organizations.

The second feature, challenge, captures the belief that difficult situations are opportunities for learning and growth rather than reasons for despair and helplessness. People are less stressed when they have the ability to think outside the box, to consider new ways of solving problems. This is an especially important perspective when parenting or working with a child on the autism spectrum.

The third component is control or what we have titled personal control. Kobasa found that people are less stressed when they devote their time and energy to manage those situations over which they have some control or influence. A lack of personal control is associated with stress and a lessening of empathy. Personal control is evident when parents of a child with ASD can take the step of moving from a “Why me?” or “Why my child?” perspective to recognizing that while they had no control over their child having ASD, what they do have control over is their attitude and the services they can obtain to facilitate their child’s development.

Famed football player Doug Flutie and his wife Laurie, noted in an interview that when they first learned that their son Dougie was autistic, they asked “why us?” but quickly realized that such an attitude was of little use. Instead, they applied all three features of a stress-hardy mindset. They focused on what they had control over, leading them not only to obtain services for their son, but also to establish a foundation in his name to assist other families with children with ASD, an activity that enriched a sense of purpose to their lives (Brooks and Goldstein 2012).

The stronger a stress-hardy outlook, the better-equipped parents and professionals are to be empathic with children with ASD and to help these children become more empathic themselves.

Although children with ASD perceive the world differently than we do and are not as skilled in social pragmatics and interpreting the feelings and thoughts being expressed by others, parents have found a couple of additional questions beneficial in strengthening effective communication. They are:

Stephen and Amanda, the parents of Grant, a 12-year-old boy diagnosed with Asperger’s, found these questions very helpful in their communications with their son. Grant frequently blurted things out to strangers without thinking about the impact his words had on others. On one occasion, he saw a woman smoking in the parking lot of a mall and in a loud voice he informed her that she had a “bad habit and could die soon if she didn’t stop smoking.” Similarly, he told a man inside a store in the mall that he was “fat and fat people are not healthy.”

Stephen and Amanda attempted to teach Grant not to say these things, but Grant responded that what he said is true and he was just trying to help people. His inflexibility triggered frustration in his parents that led to comments often accompanied with an angry tone such as: “You have to learn to listen to us,” “You aren’t helping people, you’re hurting their feelings,” “Why can’t you remember what we tell you?”