Parent Goal 2: Understand and Facilitate Family Communication

, Julia Doss², Sigita Plioplys³ and Jana E. Jones⁴

(1)

Department of Psychiatry, UCLA, Los Angeles, CA, USA

(2)

Department of Psychology, Minnesota Epilepsy Group, St. Paul, MN, USA

(3)

Department of Psychiatry, Northwestern University, Chicago, IL, USA

(4)

Department of Neurology, University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health, Madison, WI, USA

Keywords

Family communication patternsParentingCommunication breakdownConflict

Recommended Techniques

Choose from the techniques in Table 11.1 to help the parents improve family communication.

Table 11.1

How to improve family communication

Communication	How to fix it
To facilitate parent-child communication, parents should:	• Schedule alone conversation or fun time with child • Talk with the child about nonemotionally weighted topics, and focus on what the child wants to talk about or do • Avoid checking in about homework or chores • Develop a list of neutral topics that are easy to discuss, and generate conversation • Tell the child that they are open to talking about difficult topics once communication improves • Help them initiate conversation about child’s stressors that are obvious to them • Consider sharing difficult feelings they have regarding their own stressors to model for the child • Praise the child for openly communicating with them, regardless of content and (−) emotions the child expresses or if the parents agree with what the child says
Manage communication breakdowns
Child pushes parent’s or parents’ buttons –→ Parent(s) react(s) emotionally –→ Communication breaks down/stops	During active conflict, parent(s) should: • Continue the conversation later after calming down • If frustrated/overwhelmed, ask the other parent to take over (tag-team approach) • Intervening parent should de-escalate by advising child and other parent to calm down and back off After child and parent have calmed down: • They should discuss what they were thinking and feeling and what lead to the communication breakdown
Parent(s)–→ communication breakdown by: Not listening Upsetting the child in some other way	Parent(s) should: • Calm down • Avoid defensive approach that further fuels the fire • Apologize for upsetting the child • Ask the child to explain how parent(s) upset(s) the child • Empathize • If breakdown continues, request that the other parent mediate the conflict

Differences in Perception

It is essential that you recognize that it is common for the child and parents to differ in their perception about various topics, particularly about arguments between them. Thus, the child might not always give you accurate information. The child might present only part of what transpired between the child and parents. The same applies regarding the parents. With this in mind, carefully approach the parents with suggestions on how to communicate and behave with their child as in the example below of the child’s perception.

Parent: How did you do in your dance competition today?

Child: I placed third in the overall routine!

Parent: That’s great! What did the other girls do differently?

Child: They were both older… and you know they were the ones who won last year.

Parent: I thought you were better than them at last year’s competition too. Hopefully you’ll have some more time to practice this year, and you’ll do better competing with them in the next competition.

The child reported that the parent focused on the child’s need to work harder in order to get the first or second place. However, the parent reported the following:

Parent: How did you do in your dance competition?

Child: I placed third in the overall routine!

Parent: That is great! That was a hard routine! What were the routines of the other girls?

Child: They were the older girls, the ones who won last year. They are so much better than me.

Parent: I thought you were better than those girls last year! Don’t worry, I am sure that you will do even better in next year’s competition.

In other words, whereas the child described the parent as being critical, the parent perceived herself as being supportive of the child. For this reason, it is always important to hear both perspectives.

Joint Sessions

Suggest joint child-parent sessions when you have a good understanding of the parents’ communication and parenting styles. Most importantly, the child needs to feel comfortable enough to work with you and their parents on issues between them. In these joint sessions, ensure that the child and parents feel that they are being heard by you and by each other on the issues they raise. Use these joint sessions to model and help them be more sensitive to the impact their communication style has on each other.

Dialogue: Button Pushing

J is a 16-year-old junior in high school. He plays sports and specifically enjoys football. He presented to the clinic with NES at the end of his sophomore year. After several weeks of therapy, his NES symptoms were under good control, and some of his underlying struggles became more clear. When J presented to the clinic, he and his parents denied stressors because he was a good student with mostly A’s. He also was a successful athlete and socially popular. However, early in therapy, it became obvious that his needs to be a good student and athlete were significant stressors for him. J would spend many hours on homework, typically well into the night, to get good grades. He also put a lot of pressure on himself to be a good athlete. Despite working very hard at schoolwork and sports, his parents criticized him if he brought home a grade that they thought was not at the level of his real capabilities. They also responded negatively if he did not play well during a game. Their responses often lead to conflict between them and J, and he put more pressure on himself to do better at school and sports.

The dialogue below includes a communication breakdown between J (yellow bubble) and his parents (mother = green, father = orange bubble) about a common problem, the allocation of time spent on his school and social activities, and how the therapist (blue bubble) helps the family communicate better.

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