’. Unknown to you, you accidently sent the text to the couple with whom you’re meeting. They receive the text as you all enter the session.
- What are the dangers associated with focusing on a client’s attractiveness?
- What steps could have been taken to prevent this situation?
- Is this something that you’re likely to bring up in supervision?
- Can you see any scenario in which this turns out to be positive?
- If you are the supervisor and you hear about this situation, what are your main concerns?
How to Handle Sexual Attraction in Conjoint Therapy
In wrapping up a chapter like this, we want to offer some practical advice to those who may be experiencing an attraction dynamic within the context of conjoint therapy, either from or towards a client. While most of the strategies apply in both situations, we feel a strong need to emphasize that we cannot envision a situation where it would ever be appropriate to initiate a conversation with a client about your attraction towards him/her. The vulnerable state in which our clients present, and the trust they put in us to act professionally, demands that we protect them. Even if you are a therapist who believes that honesty must guide all that you do clinically, we recommend that your honest feelings towards a client be filtered through a collegial consultation or clinical supervision. Asking yourself if what you are about to disclose to your clients will ultimately help them with what they came to therapy for or will it detract from their clinical goals is one way to check the appropriateness of any self-disclosure.
In presenting on this topic to a graduate class on ethics, I (SMH) once had a student who told me that he trusted so much in the power of truthfulness and honesty in therapy that he believed he could disclose an attraction towards a client and that it would be to the client’s benefit. I asked if he would do a role play with a classmate, acting as a client, so he could show the class how he might go about his honest and truthful declaration of attraction. After a few awkward moments and stilted conversation, the student broke from the role play, turned to me and said, ‘For some reason it just doesn’t feel right for me to share that with the client’. I thanked him for his honest response. It is not right for therapists to share their feelings of sexual attraction with their clients. This must be a topic of consultation with capable and trusted colleagues.
In addition to the stern warning and voice of client advocacy we raised in the previous paragraph, we offer some suggestions on how to proceed when sexual attraction becomes part of the conjoint therapy you conduct.
Normalize it
As mentioned earlier, human beings are bound to become attracted to other human beings. Thinking strictly from an evolutionary perspective, we seem to be influenced by biological drives that propel us towards noticing the attractiveness of others, or feeling a sense of ‘comfort around’ or ‘ease with’ certain other humans. It is these feelings that help us find a ‘mate’. These feelings can be the very early seeds of attraction, and when coupled with discouragement in or disenchantment with a current love relationship (like most of our couple clients who are struggling), it is not hard to see that the comparison of our partner to an idealized other (a therapist or one of our clients) can easily lead to an attraction. Our biological drives do not distinguish between being attracted to a client (or a therapist) or being attracted to any other human being. So, one of the first things we need to admit to ourselves and acknowledge is that as humans, it is normal to become attracted to another human. As discussed above, there are a number of factors specific to the therapeutic context that further intensify the likelihood that sexual attraction will occur. The key thereafter, is to know how to go about addressing it.
Talk openly about it
If a member of a couple you are treating is attracted to you, or you think something like that is happening, we encourage you to talk about it. This is the elephant in the room in many cases. If you don’t address it, you run the risk of sending the message that certain things are ‘off limits’ to discuss in the therapeutic relationship. This is a message no therapist should want to send in conjoint therapy. Healthy relationships (the overarching goal of conjoint therapy) can only develop in an environment where people are open and honest in their communications. To neglect a relationship dynamic that has the potential to adversely affect the couple borders on negligence.
If you are the one attracted to your client, we still say, ‘talk openly about it’ … but do so in supervision. If you’ve developed an attraction to a client, you must remember that this is something you have to deal with. If it becomes problematic (meaning you can’t seem to move past your attraction), it is imperative that you do not discuss it with the client. The client did not initiate therapy so you could process your attraction to him/her. Telling a client that you’re attracted to him/her immediately changes the agenda for therapy. It takes the focus off of the client’s presenting problem(s) and puts it on your relationship with the client. This is something your client did not consent to.
Related posts:
Acknowledgements
I: Relational Perspectives on Sexual Attraction in Therapy
The Role of Psychological Proximity and Sexual Feelings in Negotiating Relatedness in the Consulting Room: A Phenomenological Perspective
An Acceptance Commitment Therapy Approach to Sexual Attraction
The Self-Preservation Society: A Discourse Analysis of Male Heterosexual Therapists and Discourses of Sexual Attraction
Index
Stay updated, free articles. Join our Telegram channel
Full access? Get Clinical Tree
